I Don’t Even Know Her.
Recently, I wrote a blog about how Andrew and I had to clear up our iCloud storage, and I mentioned 19,000 photos…
The real number was 19,568. I know - ridiculous.
That doesn’t even count videos. And just for reference, the photos on my phone start in 2012 so that’s literally over 1000 photos a year. I think I have a problem. But also in defense, I really like taking a good picture.
I will say it was fun to go back through the photos and just relive some memories. But what I was really shocked about is when I go back and I look at photos of Christina circa 2012 to 2019… I don’t even know her.
Picture mean girls: “she doesn’t even go here.”
I look at these photos of silly antics and drunken nights, and I smile at the girl in the photos. I’m thinking she looks like a good time, but I don’t remember being her if that makes any sense.
I remember the antics, I remember the brownouts, I remember the parties, but I don’t remember the depth of who she was, just who she was trying to be. I was “Living My Best Life” not knowing that my best life was to come. I was seeking acquaintances instead of true friendships. I was seeking attention and memories with people that wouldn’t be around long. I was pursuing this fake life I had idolized on the internet while my real life was leaving me feeling pretty empty.
Now, don’t get me wrong - I don’t regret my 20s, and I don’t regret the fun and the shenanigans that came with them. I think that past is what helped bring me to my present and is what makes me so grateful today. So this isn’t a blog about shame or regret. It’s a blog about finding true placement and fulfillment - a blog about actually knowing who I am.
What I do remember from that period of my life that would shock old friends is the depression and the anxiety. What I can’t help but remembering is dreaming about the person I am now. I would dream about the life I deeply wanted but was afraid to seek. I would catch myself thinking… “There’s no way I’ll ever have that. I don’t even know what that would look like. I don’t know who my friends would be. I don’t know who my husband would be. None of it makes sense, because I don’t have the answers.”
Turns out… I didn’t need the answers.
I just needed God.
I needed to find my way home.
I grew up in the church. We went every Sunday. We did Sunday school and VBS. We prayed before meals and talked about God at Sunday supper. But hurt I had experienced and the hurt I had seen in my world led me astray. I started to doubt a good, gracious and merciful God could be behind the scenes of the world I was living in, so I stepped away from my faith. I was a Christian when it was convenient. Any other time I was a party girl struggling with substance abuse pretending life was amazing, even when it wasn’t.
In 2019, I had finally climbed to the top of my then career. I had achieved every career goal I set for myself far faster than planned, and although I loved my job… I still didn’t love my life. I remember the night I left work early, skipped the bar, and just came home to cry because I felt lost. My birthday was approaching and I had everything I thought I wanted in this fast lifestyle, but I was still not genuinely happy. I saw a devotional on my nightstand from a past roommate that had never even been opened… just collecting dust. I said, let’s see what He tells me.
God heard me.
Slowly, he started showing me the truth in what I had versus what I needed and wanted. He showed me the true friendships and love around me, and he took away the fake ones. He started moving in my life. He took the career I had sacrificed for with the pandemic and traded it for time to slow down and enjoy life with my grandparents before loosing my grandfather. He showed me love through my best friend and now husband who genuinely wanted to know me and not just be social and party with me. He softened my heart and called me to seek my heavenly home. He let me lay down my anxiety and depression at the cross and pick up his grace and mercy.
My life evolved into what I had dreamed about but couldn’t find my way to on my own.
Turns out, I couldn’t find my way, because I was still holding the control instead of submitting to God and trusting his plan and purpose. Moments happened I had only dreamed about in the quiet places of my heart and trust in the Lord was rebuilt slowly but steadily. I had been running from God and running to despair. Like the belly of the fish, God let life swallow me up, so I could find his light in the dark and be ‘spit up’ where he wanted me all along.
See, I had turned away from him. I had put his love and connection in my back pocket. He had never left though, he was just waiting for me to call on him.
Today, I look through these photos and look at the changes in my life. I don’t know her. I’m not who I was. I love her though and where she brought me with the quiet cries of her heart. I love the woman he is molding me into - the wife, the mother, the friend I have become. I don’t know her anymore, but I’m glad I did. I’m grateful he delivered me and built me from broken to whole again. Trials have turned to testimonies.
God hears our prayers even when we have gone astray. He never leaves us even if we turn our backs on him.
So as we continue in this new year with new milestones, take a minute to look back on the prayers that have been answered in your life over the years.
Remember, we are living in answered prayers. We are living blessings promised. Our God is good.
God’s love and mine,
Christina
