Social vs. Secure
I’ve always been social. I think it’s in my blood. My mom is a beautician and my dad is in sales. I don’t think I would have survived a childhood of meeting endless people every time we left the house if I was shy.
I love to socialize. I love to make connections. I love to meet new people.
What I hate is going past being social.
It wasn’t until my twenties when life got tough that I realized I had pretty much kept everyone at arms length. I was plenty of people’s “bestie,” but wasn’t good at being vulnerable myself. By the end of an abusive relationship, I could count my true friends with less than a hand, and it wasn’t a great feeling.
Now, before anyone reads this and has their feelings hurt, I need to be honest and say it’s not because I didn’t have great people trying to be there … it was because I wasn’t willing to risk the vulnerability. I had this need to portray this image of having it together and life being good… even when it wasn’t. Turns out that need is super attractive to narcissists and super isolating for the person.
I decided I needed more true girlfriends. I tried Bumble BFF, talking to strangers at Target … like whatever. It felt like my true girls lived continents away and everyone here had their circles. (also … I’m awkward.)
Then, the unthinkable happened. Entering her late twenties, my little was diagnosed with breast cancer. I distinctly remember her finding the lump at a spring wedding in 2021 and loosing her fall of 2022. At the peak of our lives, she was called home, and I was left alone.
Knowing her, loving her, loosing her … the lessons she taught me, the faith she gave me, the memories we made … I could write a book.
Today though, I want to talk about the loneliness I felt. The despair. The anger that built walls. Loosing her selfishly felt so unfair. I felt isolated and lost. I was pregnant with my first son and the woman who would have been his godmother became his guardian angel.
I hid behind my walls and cried quietly.
But God.
God worked through her everyday she was here, and God worked through her beyond the grave. I lost my little, November 5th, 2022. November 28th, 2022 I got my last gift from her on my birthday.
She knew. She was always smarter than me. Her care for people, Her discernment, her love - Wisdom beyond her years - she sent me one final present, one final note, and one final memory.
I received a baby blanket and hat for our son. & this is God because we were between names when she passed and she had a blanket made and sent to us with our choice (which we didn’t even know was our choice when she placed the order). She also had messaged another close friend to solidify my baby shower theme and let me know with the blanket. I wrote a review for the Etsy seller as soon as I stopped sobbing … about a week later. & she’s was DELIGHTED! She reached out to tell me about the final conversations they had ensuring I would get it exactly how and when I was supposed to. She told me beautiful things they discussed and a message she knew I would need.
“This baby has the best guardian angel, now he deserves the best aunties. Don’t be stubborn.”
I still think about this and sob like it was yesterday. My heart breaks all over again, and then my heart comes back to life with hope all in the same moment because of who she was.
Her last lesson for me was that social is fun, but secure is support. It’s okay to have social friends. It’s okay to be a social butterfly. It’s not okay to avoid deeper connection. You deserve connection. It’s biblical.
She knew this hurt would make it easy for me to build walls, and she knew I shouldn’t. In her final note and conversation, she pushed me to prayer - towards leaning on God for security and to praying for the community we are called to surround ourselves with in Romans. And I’m so glad she did.
When we pursue real, deep friendships, we truly show the characteristics of God. Like God, as a true friend … we are promise keepers, we are able to rejoice in the blessings of others, we support, we care, we help, we love, we advise, we seek, we listen, and we show up even on the bad days. Friendship gives us the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
It’s the kindling that can keep our light shining in rainy seasons.
Titus 2 tells us elder women are supposed to train up younger women, but in our case it was reversed. My final gift from my greatest friendship, helped me see the importance of the greatest lesson she ever taught me. Feeling this much hurt, meant I was blessed to feel the love and security that had filled this hole in my heart.
And holes can be repaired.
I’ll never replace this friendship lost, but it’s this friendship that became the foundation to my community now. It’s because of her that I knew what to pray for, what to seek, and how to cherish it when it was found. It’s because of her I take time to slow down and invest in the people around me. It’s because of her I have found women I can lean on and call family. Women that provide security in friendship. Women that welcome vulnerability and build up insecurities. Women rooted in the Word and dedicated to pursuing Him.
Being social is fun.
Being secure is blessed.
“Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.” Proverbs 27:9
I encourage you to find friends who refresh your soul, build you up, and push you to a closer walk with our heavenly Father. There will always be ups and downs in this broken world, but it is the strength of secure friendships that are rooted in the world that will pull you through every hard season and help you grow into something better instead of something bitter.
God’s Love and Mine,
Christina
